emo.

today had yjc fun raising activity, known as CVD: celebrating values day.lame. anw my class 111 did clubbing hse. didnt have many ppl at first. i almost fell asleep, but towards the end more and more people came and we get rather busy! which is a good sign as we're earning money!! anw i was kinda bored the whole day cos nobody wanna buy ticket from me. my friends they all got friends to accompany them, while i just walk and see see around by myself. saw melissa h. selling things so went to accompany her. i didnt manage to sell any tickets and didnt buy for myself but in the end, i paid 10 bucks to my class for the eclair and also feel bad ah, been eating the sandwiches while preparing them for sale too. haha typical of me lah. hee.
saw HER today. went wif melissa nicole they all to go find HER but she didnt see me, only saw the 4/8 ppl. so went to talk to afrah instead. then not even 5 minutes i left them w/o even saying hi or bye to her. and she didnt realise too. im kinda sad but oh well, i need to let go.
then saw wen qi, my bunk cum cibtc grp mate, and talked to her for some time until she's gng to leave. and that's the time i went back to clubbing hse. sat, emo for a while then end the session, and cleaned up the place. actually having a class wif many boys is not that bad actually cos they can be of great help at times! great. and i left sch at 630 for home. emo emo on the way. and cos i just get back my 3rd maths reflection and i failed again. in total failed 3 maths reflection. sian la. it's counted for promo. i very scared i retain! how?

let's backtrack a little..
13/03: derrick called me in the morning and asked me to substitute him to be parade commander for friday cos he forgot to bring his tie. basket. i wasnt prepared and i was trembling quite badly. and so i went up and down and i did it. my friends said i did a great job but i hope i did becos they were all in the centre of the parade sq. and i wasnt sure if the ppl at the side could hear. so yeah. damm paiseh cos my voice cant reach very loud those kind. get back my econs reflection test, i just passed only while others are getting nearing to full marks. get back maths reflection 2 today. failed agn. until very badly. super bad. the teacher is like shooting me during lesson can. wth. basket

12/03: had yjc ug club meeting today. was so bored once again. i feel so lonely cos only like 4-5 girls in ug? my friend was talking to zy and so i was left alone. then sat beside derrick when meeting gng to start. didnt talk much. only laugh when the guys crack jokes. :/

then i think nothing much happens already.


* i hate the way you talk to me, the tone you used. i have been trying to get used to it but i cant. i cant! im enduring but you never know it bcos u didnt reflect upon ur actions for that day!
** we werent talking anymore. yes i know im such an irritant, keep irritating you with np stuffs and im sorry abt it. but smt i cant help it but to ask you becos i dunno who to ask already as others dont reply to msgs. ok i make a promise to myself not to ask u so many things.
*** im still doubting my friendships with friends. really. at points of time, i really wonder, do i have a true friend? or people are just taking advantage of me, just showing their good face to me while backstabbing behind my back. i really wonder. it saddens me to see all my other friends have companions with them all the time, waiting for them after school to go home together etc. this is so good. but me? im always going home alone, doing things alone. yes i know i tend to nag alot like an old lady, worry alot over trival matters and sometimes too paraniod, or too over, but that's me, my personality. i've always wanted to be a better person and trying to. but i cant seem to be able to please everyone. tell me, what's wrong with me? tell me.
****i havent been really enjoying school these few months, esp when lessons starts. i really cant catch up with any single subject. im seriously doomed. DOOMED! failing and failing my maths reflctions. how? im afraid of retaining but they all carries high weightage! oh dear. it sucks! Life sucks for me now. i wanna get out of yj asap.
***** everything is needing money now. im seriously brke. how? no one will understand how it feels when you want to save moeny but u have to spend it :(

everything is so UNFAIR! i hate life.

my worries

ytd i had np trainings. only my sec 1s were down with some of the sec 3s taking them. 7 instructors were down ytd. for those who dont know, im in-charge of sec 1s. during my nco days, i seldom scold people or should i say not even once? but ever since i came back, i slowly began to scold and shout at cadets. ytd the sec 1s had alot of scoldings from me esp and other instructors as well. i wondered.. am i too over , am i doing the right thing, will the scoldings ever get into the head of the sec 1s? the cadets last time were very much different compared to the cadets now adays. i prefer the standard way back last time. i tried to use the methods on this batch of sec 1s which our seniors used on us when we were sec 1s but to no avail. they dont get the meaning behind all those commands on them. i got so pissed off, i punished them, i shouted n scolded at them until my voice went off tune, hoarse and my throat hurts til now. nobody knows how much i want my sec 1s to be better, to be good, to be able to have the standards and level of enthusiasm that my squad used to have. although my squad was not as good as my seniors batch, at least we had that bit of standard. sometimes i really dont know what to do to them. i dont know why but they are the ones who are in my mind constantly besides my friends and studies. yes i worry for them, for their health, drills and everything. right now, i dont even know if i should quit my jc cca- air weapons and concentrate on npcc. the thought of not able to go back on fridays make me feel so sour, so weird. i dont like that kind of feeling. sometimes i really dont know what to do when i see the kind of attitude that they have, the standard and enthusiasm that they show. and the ncos and i/cs, not to say im very good or what but im sorry to say that i dont really like how they teach my sec 1s, how they conduct themselves in front of my sec 1s. but what can i do? say them also wont change, not happy. dont say them also cannot. haiz. the younger the generation, the more difficult to teach, to handle. anyone has any idea as to how to handle kids nowadays? im really out of ideas. sometimes i feel like giving up on them but i cant. i dont want them to be like some of the seniors, i dont want other ccas to look down on npcc, i dont want the unit to become lower of standards. they are my main concern for now . how what should i do?

i saw her yesterday. i dont like to see her. everytime i saw her, jealousiness overcame me. i feel so stressed. why is she always achieving awards, good results, getting into a good jc and everything? yes she finally attained the yt pinnacle award that she had always been fighting and dreaming for. she's now satisfied. but i dont understand why God has been so good to her.. for she always get what she wanted.